#something about the way you look tonight
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Hi!! Your Cherik is so good and gorgeous 🤩🤩 If you don't mind wanna try to draw some Fall of X Cherik please?
thank you so much !!
i have a couple of ideas relating to the fall of x period specifically since theres. A Lot i wanna play with, so i hope this lil thing may be a satisfactory start :]]
and the obligatory bonus:
#xmen#xmen comics#fall of x#cherik#charles xavier#erik lehnsherr#erik magnus lehnsherr#max eisenhardt#professor x#magneto#snap sketches#for clarity on of this tag ramble im calling magneto max OK ok#sorry it took me a while to answer- ive been busy this week !#but yah like i said theres a lot of Fall Of X moments i wanna poke at#one i really wanted to doodle around was max's time with the shadow king from Resurrection of Magneto#the third issue is prob my fave in general if im so tbh .... but i wont prattle bout that ill go back to my previous prattle#i dont think i have a comic in mind prob just a doodle with shadow charles....#i mean if im devious enough i can def turn it into a comic but for now i just know i wanna do something with that#honestly even this moment i might revisit when i have more time to draw something. a lil better#i dont hate this its a sound start- but i THINK i wanna draw a smooch. a lil kiss. idk we'll see#cause im cheeky like that. 'will this be the last time i see you' 'girl idk we can kiss about it though' etc etc#god not to get off topic but im so curious what will happen with these two ... but thats for a diff post i guess#honestly if you guys have any runs i should read lemme know !! i just finished way of x and bar that ive just been reading the 60s issues#i have a couple on my list i wanna check out but im always excited to look into recs if yall think theyre worth it !!#but ya. thats all from me for now#my time is so finite this week i hope i can draw these sillies again soon .. i have a lot of ideas i fear#maybe i can sneak in one more doodle tonight ... <- doubtful
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my sweet little baby man is no longer with us
#he had his bloodwork done yesterday and the vet said it was fine but he doesnt have much time left#and my bestie is a vet tech who wanted to see the lab results bc she always does and she looked at them#and asked me if she can shiw them to her boss today and i was like sure and immediately knew something was up#today keekki was being himself#then i went to run some errands and when i came back he was laying in front of the front door with his tiny baby head against it#and i was like ''oh ok one of his seizures?''#and theyre like. keekki will drool and not move and they usually last for like 20 minutes (several vets have no idea whats up with those#but it was probably either a kidney or a blood pressure thing)#anyways. it did not pass in 20 minutes so i Knew#i laid on the floor next to him#then my bff sent me a message asking me if i have the time to talk about keekki and its not good news#at this point i was about to call the vet anyways#and she was like ''ok i showed these to my boss (a vet) and she got super angry that ur vet even let you leave the clinic''#bc apparently keekkis bloodwork was so bad he should have been put down then and there but my vet was like a fresh half graduate#so i dont hold it against her. anyways i got an euthanasia appointment for this evening and spent the time before it laying on the couch#crying with keekki in my arms#i had to carry him bc he couldnt really walk without stumbling and falling down#when i had to get up to get his carrier and stuff ready he was taking a nap on the couch where i left him and i took this pic#anyways worst vet visit of my life i could hardly even do anything but nod half the time bc speaking results in me sobbing#anyways. this fucking sucks#i dont know how ill be able to sleep tonight#its been years since i last slept at home without having a little guy plop into my arms#i spent a long time with him in the vet room when he was gone#it feels surreal ive given him his last ever forehead kisses#as i left the room i told him bye the exact same way ive been saying bye to him for the last very many years ive had him#its always moikka keekki before i go to work or the store or literally anything#and that was my last moikka keekki#i hope he felt how loved he was#my dad is sending me older pics of me and keekki and he looks so happy in them. hes always right next to me#idk man im going to stop rambling now
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Day 2 - Transition. A conversation with your future self. colourless ver. under rm !!
#Trans Jayce Week 2023#jayce giopara#jayce league of legends#league of legends#arcane league of legends#league of legends fanart#transtism real#i have a class early tomorrow soooo i finished this at a . more REASONABLE time today#tonight? idk. whatever. slay#transition#jayce talis#thats who this ! is supposed to be specifically but itse fine it works either way itll do teehee#meowing loudly . the colours on this gave me sooo much trouble#fun pose!!!!!!!!!!!!! colouring makes me murderous#man of progress my ass. man of horrible colur harmonies and unessesary additions to the pallette (looking at you yellow sock)#BUT !! all in all i Guess i like this piece :] itse a more ambitious pose than id usually try and!! other than the legs floating a bit it#has pretty !! decent contact points ect i think so :)#figure studies my belobved youve made me a much better man#i am this close to putting vik + jayce into some sort of artist au thing because autism begs me to mix special interests#viktors the type of freak to learn about sine waves and proper physics terms to properly animate a dress in the wind or something#them working in a studio together? i am crazy. i am insane. autism is overtaking me. im half human and half foxy /ref#shoutout to me for talking so much in thesetags also. stay winning jase nation. if you read to the end of these you get a prize
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Russell Crowe as Egan // The Silver Brumby (1993)
#in the egan feels today for some reason#he is so CUTE in this movie#and just hot in an entirely different way#something so appealing about a sexy man living in an isolated cabin caring for his animals#quiet confident focused intense capable kind-hearted considerate passionate gentle#he's all that and more and i have a lot of feelings about it#he looks so cozy and cute in his blue sweater too#but this shirt in the picture???#it fits him just right you know#his whole look in this movie is so a+ it's unbelievable#i need to live in his little cabin with him#share that bunk with the plaid blanket :D#get snuggly and cozy with him I NEED HIM#i'd live in the middle of nowhere with him so fast#i'd be so content for the rest of my life#egan is 100% husband material change my mind#MY BOY MY ADORABLE STOCKMAN BOYFRIEND#he's so cute i can't stand it#might mess around and watch this silly movie tonight#just for him#and me#the silver brumby#egan#the man#russell crowe
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the downside to being a sitcom neighbour sort of person is that when rough things happen and emotionally fuck u up a lil bit, it also sounds completely made up
#bert's dead dad tag#found out today the way my dad told mom he wanted a divorce?#he wrote her a letter and left it on the dining room table for her to find on the morning of her fortieth birthday#who the fuck does that dead father#like that is the sort of thing i would entirely make up if i needed everyone at the table to fuckin hate an npc#and at least one person would go 'you're laying it on a little bit heavy'#i know he did work to become a better person as he got older#which is good because BOY howdy was that man a piece of shit in the early 90s#and we are having Complicated feelings about it tonight and also for the last nine months#something something when i was writing his eulogy i came across an old article discussing something he did in the 90s#YDIP (your dad is problematic)#like yeah this is the sort of thing that would have been vaguely acceptable in the cultural context#but like. still objectively bad. potentially ruining several lives sort of bad.#learned this and then wrote the rest of his eulogy about how he was a great guy and how i'm lucky to have been his son#(which was rough enough on its own because i've never said 'i'm [dad's name]'s son' as many times as i did that trip home)#but like what else do you do? i sent off a message looking for more information#and that information if it comes is just gonna sit with me i guess#sure as hell not telling my sister and this whole thing i've been getting through without really having anyone here for me to talk to#(hence the big fuckoff tag rant. your problem now losers who like clicking the read more button)#so even if i get all the answers i want about this one thing it's not gonna do any good except putting an end to one question#but part of having a dead dad who's been out of the business of forming new memories since you came out is having more questions#answering this one's just gonna add even more questions to the pile#but. got fuckall else to do
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#idk if it's because i've given autism a very in depth look now or if i just always been like this and never really thought about it#but i'm finding it harder and harder to match my feelings to what i guess i'm supposed to feel?#like when something sad happens and i have no reaction to it#it's not that i'm not sad or that i'm glad it's happening but i just have no feelings?#which in turn bring put feelings of guilt because i'm not sad or worried enough...#it's such a weird experience and i'm of course not saying that autistic people have no feelings#that's so not what i'm saying#but it is a trait of autism to have difficulty pinpointing what you feel and also difficulty expressing it in ways other people usually doit#so perhaps it is because i've learned about that that I'm accepting that maybe i just don't feel things ''the normal way''#but i'm having a weird one tonight because my mom had to leave because of an emergency with my grandma#and it's 1am right now#and i am worried. of course i am. I don't want my grandma to suffer (although i have accepted she's not gonna live much longer)#but i still don't want her to die obviously#and most importantly I don't want my mom to have to go through that... to see her mother die? that's horrible#i'm obviously sad and worried#yet i'm sitting here drinking coffee and laughing at funny videos like nothing's happening#and i feel fine... like as if my mom was just sleeping at home like every night and not at a hospital visiting her dying mother...#and i know that years back i would have gone ''what the fuck is wrong with me?!'' and perhaps maybe forced myself to feel worse#or to cry or whatever because I can't be chill when something bad is happening...#and maybe i'll feel that way when my mom is back because I can't be calm and happy is she's sad#that would be rubbing it in her face#so maybe i'll feel more guilty then?#idk it's a weird feeling that i wanted to put into words#mostly for when it happens again i'll have a record of it somewhere#idk#angel talks#personal
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#tw suicide#idk i feel like i am probably gonna kms after TIT#i would do it sooner but i asked one of my friends to come with me and it would suck if i made him go alone#and it is something to look forward to which is helping me hang on i guess#but ughhhh once uni starts again in september i know everything is gonna fall apart.#i already got an extension on my thesis due to being a useless shell of a person who can't motivate themselves to do anything atm#but i was supposed to get some work done over the summer and have so far done nothing#hence why i want to kms before i have to talk to my fucking supervisors again and admit yet again that i simply cannot do this 😭#and it's not just this. my executive dysfunction has been so bad over the past couple of years and it's only getting worse#to the point where i can't imagine being able to work at all. and if i can't work i can't get out of my parents house#and then what the fuck is the point.#every time i see someone on here talking about bonding with their parents over dnp I'm like damn what's it like#to have parents who actually want to talk to you DSFGJJKL i know they let me live in their house at my big age#but that's only bc id literally be homeless otherwise and they're not like evil. they just don't love me#also went through a deeply embarrassing breakup recently#tl;dr ive been in love with this person for over a decade and i thought they were the dan to my phil or vice versa.#then after 10 years they left me and i'll spare the details but it has me wondering if they ever loved me#i thought it was a “let's live together and get a cat one day” relationship#but now i feel like for them. it was just a “sex and video games” type situation#i am trying soooo hard to at least be creative bc that makes me happy sometimes but it's hard to not be overly critical of myself#and now im getting to a point where i can barely even find any joy in this space any more. for a bunch of reasons#most of which revolve around me being extremely sensitive. and this is like my last bastion of dopamine so that fucking sucks#idk i don't see the point in my life any more. a social worker actually told me recently that i should consider euthanasia so.#it's just completely over for me i fear#this is not even mentioning all the damn migraines. and all the other ways in which my body simply doesn't work properly#sorry for this weird ass vent I'm not in therapy any more bc i couldn't find a therapist willing to treat me+all my diagnoses at this point#and im scared my friends will stop wanting to talk to me if i talk to them about this. several of them already have#the 2 friends i have left anyway. that's a whole other thing. when they said it's hard for autistic ppl to make friends i took that persona#so uh at this point it's vent here or develop a substance abuse problem. and im already halfway to having a substance abuse problem#anyway dan and phil for the love of god please fucking post something tonight. unfortunately you are my only hope
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Thinking about how people tend to pick up on specific words from other languages they're learning (especially slang) and use it over and over, like Pac saying "Shenanigans" or Fit saying "Fofoca" or Phil (and the rest of the server practically) saying "No Mames."
It just reminds me of my time working with Japanese college students, and how they all suddenly started saying "Awesome!" practically every other sentence one day after hearing me say it + explaining what it meant to them. It still makes my heart melt a bit thinking about it.
#i talk#I MISS MY STUDENTSSSSSSSSSSSSSS#I MISS WORKING WITH JAPANESE STUDENTS I MISS MY COLLEGE STUDENTS#AGH#anyways I'm trying to wrap up chapter 3 of Love will cost you an arm and a leg tonight so it can be posted tomorrow#I'm fixing up the ending but things are looking promising#qsmp talk#I suppose#It was so cute though I think I explained it like:#''Awesome is a bit like すごい! You say it when you think something is really cool or if you're excited / happy about something''#Not to brag (I'm gonna brag) but I was the favorite mentor / teacher in the group#One of the students said they really appreciated the way I spoke with them#Because I always spoke clearly and at a good pace for them to follow along#But I was willing to give them Japanese translations (or approximate translations) if they were struggling#it made me feel all warm and fuzzy#Anyways this moment made me realize I do say ''Awesome'' a lot lmao#It's a good word what can I say
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Here to support you. It’s understandable for you to be angry unfortunately. But you’ve got a handle on it I believe
someone I until a few minutes ago followed put a post on my dash and I went to OP's blog and they were like "I don't talk a lot about trans issues" and I was like "your post about it was really bad so maybe you should talk about it less" followed seconds later by instant regret and an apology for being too mean because telling trans people to not talk about transphobia is if nothing else a bad look
I've said this before but Fantasy High Junior Year was incredibly timed for me personally for being themed around rage (or at least attempting to be), because the discourse about it on Reddit prompted me to delete my account and come back to Tumblr where I've had to examine my anger issues a lot deeper than ever before
Kipperlilly Copperkettle may not be a kin but she turned out in a late-season twist to be more deeply relatable than I ever could have imagined and that was when my interest in her went from spiting the people that irrationally hated her to Queen of Velvet Blorbos
#like I don't think I really caused any real harm they and I were both transfem#and I've told transmascs and cis people before that they should stop speaking up for transfems if they can't do it without attacking others#but it was definitely a moment where I slipped the leash so to speak and was exceptionally unconstructive#and could just get used to paint everyone I agree with as being bad#like literally just earlier tonight I asked someone if they would be okay with me reblogging their post with an aggressive addition#because I didn't want them to catch heat for it#and it feels certain that if me saying something like that got big they'd say “look these people are silencing transfems”#this is also why it hurt to have that one chick act like I was flipping over tables#when I was taking pains to not be like that#it was a very long ask specifically because I was trying to explain my position in a detailed and constructive way#and that got framed as “you're coming in hot” and “remember that time you flipped out”#which is something I'm extremely self-conscious about lmao
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For all Ive said about nonhumanity being like transness... took me a hot minute to realise the dysphoria im having lmfao. no normal person this side of the galaxy is feeling grossly out of place in their own body because it settled naturally into a head, two arms, and two legs. Im not even thinking about species. This isnt an attempt to be something Im not, its a continuous "my brain isnt aligning with my body". I feel so intensely like Im being forced to appear like this in order to be respected/considered normal/not shunned or feared or otherwise repulsing those around me. god.
i hear my voice monotoned and string-instrument-esque and it sounds so unnatural. i see eyes and nose and mouth and all i can think is, even when i look like what humans would call completely inhuman, how human it is. Sorry. Four limbs and a head and standing upright? So human. Speech in a linear singular voice? So human. ugh. god.
#here's where i decide to let myself settle more naturally or keep forcing myself into a humanoid shape huh#ramblings //#I dont hate humans just like i dont hate women. But i look at my bodies and... physically all the ways im womanly invoke the#same feelings as looking at my astral bodies and all the ways im human. its so... its dysphoria lmfao its the exact same experience#its the exact same ''i expected to see something different. im not in the right body. theres no shame in my body but this isnt what i am#and i keep forgetting i am stuck in this form'' like. yeah biology does that#i love humans. but the intensely gross and out of control and ''i swear two minutes ago i wasnt this'' and so on feelings are...#Like its not ''humans are gross'' the gross feeling comes like nausea at being in a foreign body that doesnt align with who#you feel and know you are. My physical body?? If it was someone elses Id be attracted to it - actually I have proof of that lmfao -#and Id say theres nothing wrong with it. but its intensely not me in subtle ways. the way it grows fat and where. the roundness of features#the etc etc so-called feminine features. The way my astral body settles into human-like configurations...#ugh. god. coming back from being the almadia Im about ready to never take a fucking human form again - and thats the thing#its dysphoria as in i could be in a Considered Nonhuman Form like i said and still all i can feel and see are things im not even consciousl#thinking of. Ive been annoyed tonight about my understandings of reality coming from The Other Side Of The Galaxy - I am intensely#missing home. And like. theres a whole lot of. shit to deal with in regards to waking up as an incarnation#because you are not you. You are decidedly not you. The more you wake up to You the more you realise youve spent hundreds of thousands of#years vs 20 odd ones this life as something - im so tired man#im a force of change and dysphoria is a bane of my existence because its so tightly knotted into the strings of Cannot Control#its based on ''my own /body/. not my life. my /body/. my selfhood. is not in my control and will always be controlled by#other peoples opinions of it and they will always pilot it into boxes without my consent that i dont agree with because everyone else can#do with my body what they want and i can do nothing''#does every damn trauma and bad event in my life need to be underlined by rape trauma yes apparently so
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had quite the night drive earlier this evening.
#just me rambling again#web weaving#(?)#uh. one of my friends who is out of town for college was visiting and i got to see him and our friends and the only core member of that#group of people missing was my ex girlfriend who you may also know of as my wonderful wife#who has I assume been very busy with their own life things but has also barely and very sparsely had any hint of communication with any of#us within the past few months which I've been realizing very recently sort of hurts my feelings because we used to be so close and#they had been saying that they would be constantly making sure we still were in each other's lives. but then very quickly have#seemingly dropped off the face of the earth#anyways. I was driving aforementioned friend who is in town back home (family home not college obv) and when i was finally going back#towards my house afterwards my Google maps finally lead me to an area that i was more familiar with driving and i got to an#intersection and it was telling me to take a right to go home but i knew that i knew the way perfectly from that intersection to my#ex girlfriend / best friend / wifes familys house from all of the times I've gone that direction through the past years and so#i turned off my directions and i took a left towards their house#not super sure why but my brain and body just knew it was something i needed to do and so i went and drove down their street and cried#a lot the whole time and then drove myself home from their house once again following a super familiar path#and idk im still feeling very emotional about it. the fact that halloween by noah kahan was the first song to play on Spotify#after i made that left turn im sure didnt help (knowing that i miss them so much and am going to be leaving this area myself#soon enough here and there's been an open offer for a while now that they are welcome to follow and live with me once they get their degree#(and also um. halloween is next week lol)#idk i just havent felt the full force of how badly i miss having them in my life until tonight. when i was around this person i could feel#our souls singing in harmony. i genuinely cannot describe the feelings of our relationship in words i feel like only vaguely abstract art#could communicate the connection that was forged between us and the level of understanding and knowing#something not dissimilar to looking into the sun directly or trying to describe a vivid color to someone who is completely blind#something about the way the entire universe breathes in unison and everything around us are all pieces of the same stars#sigh#i miss my wife tails i miss her a lot /ref
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🤭
#i think you all should know that (largely in my absence) i have#become decidedly.....not bashful about approaching peeps i want to talk to....at least online#bc for some reason you guys think i'm ok and i think you all are really cool#and i love that about you. about people. in general. humans. bless. and i want to acknowledge that#so yes i will randomly leave replies and asks bc i think this life is too harsh to not#take the moments we feel like acknowledging one another and complimenting each other and wishing one another well#that is the best part about it#(i'm still working on translating this to in person#where i am much more awkward but also like most of awkwardness is being afraid to connect#and once you kind bulldoze your way through it while focusing on being kind and focusing on the other person#you realize you're way less awkward than you think#and even the awkwardness itself is beautiful and human and worth embracing and growing through#the last two people i verbally apologized to for being awkward#-which really only translates to not knowing either them or myself or both well enough to be comfortable within our own boundaries-#both looked at me in complete surprise and told me i was not being awkward#so. idk where this ramble is going#but i'm being very outgoing and friendly on tumblr dot com tonight#bc i'd rather learn something about someone and their life and experience than be worried about what they think about me#ragamusings in the tags
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"the lack of UO fanart of my favorite characters who I am So Normal about is fine, bc I can make my own," I say to myself as I proceed to repeatedly forget to factor wings as a piece of anatomy into the composition multiple times
#I never figured out a good way to stylize bird wings and you are not going to believe what these characters have on their backs#''but you can just copy the art stylization from the official art'' I promise I am trying I have no idea how to draw feathers#like I can draw them but I can't Draw Them In My Style#getting every part of an art piece to look like the same style for me is such a struggle sometimes#anyhow using Actual Real Life Bird Wing Anatomy as a ref and trying to translate it to a slightly abstracted style is hmm...#not something anyone got taught in art school where realism rules as king that's for sure#(I am doing fine I'm just complaining about art to distract myself from body aches)#anyhow I managed to somehow fuse a horse and a deer into a Passable unicorn so I think I'll call it good for tonight#oracle of lore
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Why do I feel so immature compared to literally everyone I interact with. Why does everyone treat me like I am some naive baby that needs to be protected. Why does everyone act like I am incapable of putting myself out there to get things done.
#is it the way I dress? is it because I have different experiences than a lot of other people?#is it my hobbies? is it the way I talk? the way I carry myself?#my mannerisms?#I really hate it whatever it is#sometimes I wonder if it's something I am doing on purpose subconsciously to like protect myself from criticism#but I honestly hate it. I do not enjoy feeling like a baby#I do not enjoy being treated like a baby#this isn't really about anything in particular.. just some things that were said/done tonight and the way I was feeling with some people#and the way I've been feeling in grad school for the past couple weeks and some things that have been said over those weeks#and things people have said and done at my previous job#and things my family has been saying and doing recently but also other things they have done for years before this#and things people at church and camp used to say and do and the way they treated me#and even sometimes the way friends will treat me or talk to me or react to things I say or do#I am just tired of it. why am I infantilized like this. why do I feel it so much in my head too#I am an adult. I want to feel like an adult. I want to be treated as such#I am just frustrated#I am not stupid. I am not incapable. I am not naive. I am working very hard to not be such a pushover and address my anxiety#I am working to be better about self-advocacy and assertiveness and such#but its like all anyone else sees is a quiet helpless stupid child#is this a neurodivergent thing. is this like a 'oh you are so smart but you dont understand anything in the world at all' sort of situation#is it a white christian woman image thing? like a white woman tears thing? do people do this because I am emotionally manipulating them?#do I look like a small wet animal with the saddest eyes imaginable to other people?#I dont know. it bothers me a lot. I think about this so fucking frequently. I wish it would stop
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they make me work today but give me nothing to do for several hours, so i have to try and find something to do to make it look like i'm accomplishing something on my little timer. but i think i shall write or do something else instead <3
#rambles.#if you have thoughts or a drabble idea throw it my way#or else maybe i'll do a poll or something idk#also sorry for complaining about work it's just.#my schedule and workload has been so shitty lately it's ruining my mood. like i barely feel like doing anything#other than sitting and brainrotting on video games after i clock out#i can't even do my one little irl board game group thing tonight because they have me working late. yet i'm just sitting here#sigh. if looking for a job these days wasn't so atrocious i would maybe try even tho i still haven't technically secured my degree
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#i saw the tv glow made me realize i want to start binding#kind of. it made me look inwards and realize i have so much dysphoria and i want to do something about it#i havent thought about any kind of physical transition in quite awhile#bcuz it can be difficult or take money and i thought i didnt have enough dysphoria to warrant it#but now im kind of realizing i have a shit ton of dysphoria and i want to do something about it#i want to take actions to make my body a home that i can feel safe and comfortable in#fuck that movie for making me do inner reflection and realizing that i dont feel right and want to take steps to change that#not sure what the long term goals are tbh. or if there will be any. but binding feels like a good start#dont watch i saw the tv glow unless you want to reevaluate yourself in uncomfortable ways#(thats a glowing recommendation btw)#this post is kind of nonsensical i think. i dont make sense generally but especially now#idk dont pay attention to me im just fairly excited at the prospect of binding thats the main point#just need to measure my chest tonight and order the binder!
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